Author’s note: If you are new to my blog and are interested in reading the 23.xx series, please first read the 23.01 through 23.09 in order to best get the idea of what I am attempting to communicate. They are built like chapters in a book, one building on the previous one. Consider the points made in each article to help you understand where I am coming from in hopes I can make a connection with you on your spiritual journey.
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Enlightenment is a process with consequences. One gets to see previously held standards that seem ignorant or irresponsible in comparison. I could have titled this “Need for Enlightenment” but “Ignorance” has more of an exhortative quality and less wordy.
This article is part of a journey, intended to lead to more questions. This is part of a self-critical-portrait, a picture of one spiritually blind man’s journey with hints of being self-aware. I’m taking a chance, by revealing parts of my private life in case someone, perhaps you, may recognize your own misdirections or to make more sense where you are on your own path.
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I grew up attending church
I’ve always known about Jesus Christ and considered myself a Christian. I’ve never questioned who Jesus Christ was (is), why He became a man and how He is my Savior. I understood, like most growing up in the baby boom, what Christmas and Easter are about, especially Christmas – mostly about pretty trees, gifts, and recognizing Jesus born in a manger.
After six years service in the U.S. Navy and a few years trying my hand at self-employment running my father’s mall business, I came back to attending my “home” church.
From late 1988 through the 1990’s I became very active in church which coincided with establishing myself in a new career in the semiconductor industry.
Regarding my church activities, I sat on a couple of church boards, sang 2 years in a church choir, several more years organizing and participating in Christian young adult activities.
On my own, I acted as a chaplain in my father’s U.S. Army veteran’s group, gave a few eulogies at funerals and memorial services, wrote a character reference from my position as an acting-chaplain, and provided invocations and benedictions at public events, even in Washington DC for a Chinese-American tribute to those, like my father, who served in World War II.
To see what my girlfriend at the time was getting herself into attending an independent international women’s bible study, in 1992, also decided to attended the local men’s group. What I discovered was not a group of crazy fanatics, but an in-depth and grounded study that promoted the Holy Bible as the “Inerrant Word of God”.
Although I found that learning straight from the bible often contradicted what I was learning from the pulpit of my “home” church, I discovered through this bible study and fellowship some very spiritually grounded men and I began to get another grasp of what Christianity was about.
I ended up sticking with the study for 7 years, the whole way having to reconcile and struggle between the bible and the pulpit.
In 1998, still single at the time, I was 36 years old and suffering a broken long term relationship with a woman who believed was a Christian (like I thought myself to be also).
On the outside, I was an active full time professional in the semiconductor industry, a successful manager and designer.
On the inside, I became lost regarding my purpose in life.
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A Calling
While in desperate prayer, in the dead silence and darkness of my office at home, somehow I achieved quieting my mind… it was during this rare state, I received the suggestion from the still small voice that arose from that silence — to go into ministry – by becoming a US Navy chaplain.
What?! I had to ask in my mind, Navy chaplain? The sudden idea made incredibly enormous sense. Several aspects in my life pointed in this direction: I was involved in a large men’s group bible study for years, I’d been active with the church, I enjoyed reading about life at sea while I was stuck on life on land, I despised working in a cubicle, I associated with veterans’ groups and had served 6 years in the navy. Moreso, I preferred to do work inherently more social oriented than engineering. Overnight, I was instilled with a strong sense of purpose and peace.
The result was an immediate and miraculous relief from anxiety about being single. The seemingly unending burden of not being married was lifted as though it never existed. I was absolutely astonished.
For the next 2 years, while working flexible hours in engineering, I took every step needed to begin my journey to become U.S. Navy chaplain including being in communication with the navy recruiter. I was still young enough, given my prior service, to achieve this. I started on completing my college education in effort to attend seminary. I had the whole educational road map planned and looked forward to the day I could reenter the navy as an officer, a navy chaplain.
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Things were not as they seemed
In private, I questioned my sincerity. Though I believe God had rescued me from my desperate state, I held in secret a concern about the driving force for me to become a navy chaplain, something that I kept to myself for about 20 years.
Not long after my “calling” to the ministry, I spoke with a pastor and his wife who I very much respected and were old family friends. In our conversation, one of those things I’ll never forget, is they agreed between themselves that I could make a good chaplain, but not good pastor. Now, I’m paraphrasing, but that was the essence of that particular point. I wasn’t inquisitive enough to get clarity on why they thought that, but they saw something in me (besides being single) that they were not wanting to freely expound on and I was not disciplined enough or too courteous to press the point. Being practical, I didn’t plan on being a pastor anyway.
In my core, I wanted to become a navy officer, I was confident that the vision of rightfully wearing the uniform alone would be able to drive me to succeed in school and seminary.
That singular “vision” was uncommonly powerful, more powerful than any other motivation. Furthermore, this occupational/career move seemed to me it would be raising of my own status in the community and society I knew. I could see it, I could feel it, I knew in my core it would be a dream come true to achieve this personal goal.
Yet, silently alarmed with a trace of doubt, something was wrong. I had to face the inadequacy of what drove me. A navy uniform with all my service medals and awards, symbols of the glory of my prior submarine service, and becoming an officer to be able to achieve that rise in status, even though, I figured, it would help me connect with those who I would minister to – the small voice was telling me it was not the right motivation to become a chaplain.
What was the right motivation? Why was this so hard to understand?
I knew when my now wife and I got engaged in 2000 (that’s another critical piece of the story, not for this article), getting married with her could make becoming a navy chaplain a certain impossibility. I also had to admit, going into the professional ministry in any other capacity than a navy chaplain (at least to begin with) was a non-starter for me. It was the navy or nothing.
I gave myself two more years to consider my path, while still working and continuing my education. Facing the hardships the navy would introduce to my married life, I decided not to pursue the path of becoming a navy chaplain.
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A Redirection
In 2002, after the opportunity to observe some respected Chinese medicine doctors, I became inspired and motivated to pursue another occupation that was social oriented, one that appeared to harmonize my desire to help others and allow for a more stable married life.
It was during a trip to Oahu on a family visit to see my wife’s cousin who is a Traditional Chinese Medicine doctor, I decided one sunny morning, while in bed at the Outrigger Waikiki Hotel, to pursue the idea of becoming a Licensed Acupuncturist (L.Ac.) and Master of Traditional Chinese Medicine (MSTCM) instead of a Master in Divinity (MDiv) with a BS in Behavioral Science and Psychology.
Fast forward, at the end of 2002, I left my career in the semiconductor industry and returned to school full time. I achieved earning my master’s degree and professional acupuncture license in 2007. Unfortunately, in late 2008, after some grave financial setbacks, I found myself resigning to return to the engineering field full time.
At first, I worked in a startup company putting in really long hours – the kind of hours where when I was home and when I left for work, my two young children were still asleep. My life seemed a far cry from either the glory of a navy chaplain or a successful practitioner of medicine.
During my marriage, there have been many periods that I had succumb to the internal turmoil of bitter regret and despair of having not followed through with what I thought was my calling to achieve becoming a navy chaplain – something I felt like was the essence of who I had become at that point in my life in 1998.
It is important to point out, as part of my testimony, that this kind of self-pity and regret put pressure on me as a husband and a father, at times causing me to not be as present as I ought to have been to my wife and children.
Even if a man’s anchor is one of commitment in marriage and faithfulness in providing the “bread”, it can take many years, even decades to sort these kinds of spiritual issues out, especially if your original guidance system in driven by mercenary and conflicting sources – including ones own naturally deceptive heart.
How was I seeking God? How was He working in my life? What was I missing? What was I ignoring?
I’ll begin exploring these questions.
CKY
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